One Year
One year in between these two pictures. The first six months of this year, I hated myself. My life was a shambles, my marriage, my self-esteem. Not because I was fat, but because I didn't love, or even like myself very much. I have tried to lose weight so many times in my life. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. The key, for me, is that I have to be READY for the change. It's a mental place I get to sometimes, where I am just ready. I don't know how to get there. I can't define what the change is. It simply is....readiness.
In June of this last year. I was ready. Good Lord I was ready. My ankles hurt with every step. My back ached. I was having trouble sleeping. I just woke up one day....June 8, 2007.....and knew that it was time. At first, my resolve was a thing of steel. No sweet passed my lips. No snack was touched. I was on my way. The weight fell off in sheets at first. Then slowed. I got worried. But, I added exercise and the journey continued. I am now down to a size 10 and 138 pounds. I am still trying to lose , but it is going slower. I am not as careful about what I eat, and I find myself excusing things because, "it's the Holiday".
You know how they say that inside every fat girl is a thin one trying to get out. Bullshit! I know who I am. And even though I am healthier now, I am afraid that Fat Dena is still in there. She always has been before. Any success I have ever had in losing weight has always been temporary because Fat Dena, Unhealthy Dena, was always waiting to make an appearance. I am trying to not be scared. I am trying to be positive. But, it's hard.
I am doing things to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. I am trying to take care of myself, love myself. Barry and I have done a lot of marriage work, and things are better there. Mostly, because we are better as individuals now. I think, hope, pray that this time will be different. Something about this time feels different. I think, in spite of my fear and in spite of myself, I just might make these changes permanent this time.
My LO on my journey: (Notice, I am wearing a shirt in the "before" pic that I got from Threadless, courtesy of Zee for my b-day. I never posted the pics because I HATED the person I saw. Now, I can look at the pic with objectivity)
credits: Miriam Lima - Special Pleasures, paper curl - Marcie Reckinger
5 comments:
you look awesome!!!!!!!
Congrats on your success!!!
You do look awesome, but what I've been hearing in your posts lately is that sense of liking yourself. But I do know that fear you're talking about. Will it last? Sigh...I can't answer that one for myself, let alone you. But it's great to see you in a positive place right now. May 2008 solidify your good feelings about yourself!
Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh? You are one hot chiquita. Congrats baby!! :)
way to go, Dena! you look mahvelous!
ann(brownie13)
I truly think you are beautiful but I know what you mean about learning to love yourself. I'm super proud of you, and I hope 2008 brings you TONS of joy and happiness. I'll be 40 in April! WOW! It does seem weird, but I'll take turning 40 over the alternative of not! LOL! 40 is the new 30 you know, so we're good!
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