The Darkness Within

Dang Pattie. That challenge of yours is going to haunt me. To do or not to do. That is the question. A little over a year ago, Barry and I got into an argument about the amount of time I spend scrapping. He accused me of living in a fantasy world, where I am scrapping what I wish my family was.

Ouch.

I try to get to good and the bad. I never pretend that my house is clean, or my kids are perfect. I don't pretend to be the ideal mother. My husband isn't the man every woman wishes she could have. I acknowledge our faults and foibles. At least I hope I do. But the question remains, am I really getting down to reality. Yeah, there is a lot in my life that is really dark. Really painful. And I just don't go there. Not because I don't trust my scrapping family to not suddenly see me as a monster/object of pity/freak etc. But because I just don't want to go there. My therapist (whom I haven't been to in way too long) would probably say I need to scrap the darkness because I don't want to. She would be right. I just don't think I am ready. I have touched on a few things in past layouts. One page really hurt my mother, which was not my intention. I didn't even think she would see it, but the day I posted was the day she decided to browse my gallery. And the page was just about as mild as could be.

I probably will scrap the darkness. But I won't ever post it. I will likely just burn those pages to DVD and leave them in a safe deposit box until I am dead. Sounds terrible doesn't it. Somewhere around this house is an exercise I did when I began therapy. I had to draw a trauma egg listing what I saw as the biggest traumas in my life. I did 3 eggs and didn't even get to the current stuff. I never showed anyone but my therapist. It was deep stuff and even my therapist was a little flabbergasted.

But even though the darkness is still there inside of me. I have learned to live with it, and surround myself with light. Does that make sense? I feel very proud of who and what I have become in spite of the past. And the present for that matter. I am still an optimist. I still see the good in almost everyone. I still love and want to be loved. I take joy in the simple and the beautiful and the profound. Hope and faith guide my days. I have refused to let myself use the past as an excuse to give up on life. But.....it isn't always easy, and sometimes I get lost in depression.

So yes Pattie, I accept your challenge. But you're just going to have to take my word for it.

Hope this didn't scare anyone LOL! I'm not dangerous to anyone but myself ;)