Pondering My Circumstances (or thinking about crap)

I didn't realize I was in a funk until recently, and today....as I lay in bed with no energy and no will or desire to do the things I had planned to and really wanted to do today, I confirmed to myself that it is once again time to return to the aid of Prozac. I don't stay on it, because my depression comes and goes. I don't like taking meds when I don't need them. I am usually pretty good about knowing when it is time to start up again. So, here we go..... Again

It is really kind of odd to simultaneously be enjoying the free time with my husband gone and missing him desperately. Barry has been in the house, because he works here, for a long time. I didn't have the usual, "send my husband out the door with a lunch and a kiss" routine. I looked forward to having time to sit....without guilt. I did plenty of sitting while he was home, I just always felt really guilty. Now, the guilt is gone, but so is my companion. I hope it gets easier when he goes on shift. If not then, when we move.

Yes....when we move. We have decided to go ahead and move to my little hometown. The houses are tiny, they are all owned by the mine, you have to rent and cannot own.....but the rent is $200 a month and the cost of living there is substantially lower. Not to mention, it's hard having Barry drive the four hour trip when he is ready to come home. Housing is scarce, so it will likely be a very long time before this move takes place. Allegedly, my dad has some pull (I think he actually does) and he may be able to move us closer to the top of the list. The wait can be anywhere from six months to closer to two years....or more. If he can get us in within a year, that would be great.

And then, I will be working as a substitute teacher. The school district there is needed subs bad enough that they only require a high school diploma. I am all over that! I will work on Barry's off weeks whenever possible. And in an emergency, my sister can watch Molly. Because I will once again be in the bosom of my family. This can be a BBBAAAAADDDD thing. But, I won't be in Duncan with everyone. I will be 30 minutes away in Morenci. I think this will just enough for closeness without being too close.

The kids are excited by the thought of moving. I took them to Morenci and showed them all around. I showed them my houses, my schools (one of which is Barry's school now for his training), and all of the local sights. We drove 30 minutes up the Coronado Trail north of town and into the snow. They were thrilled to know that the mountains and snow were that close. Cory of course, will not be joining us. He wants to stay here with his friends and go to Mesa Community College. He's 18. It's his choice. Mom is cutting the apron strings and letting her boy go. It is going to be so FU&*#NG hard though! But, it has to happen.

I want to make sure that I have more credits under my belt before I move though, so I am applying for financial aid and (AGAIN) attempting to go back to school. I will do online courses here, and then transfer to Eastern Arizona....the school I attended originally.

I feel as if I am coming full circle on so many things in my life. In high school, I wanted to live in Duncan forever. I was going to be just like so many of my family and friends who stagnated there. After school, I realized that I needed to get the Hell out! I joined my mom and sister in Phoenix. They have both returned to Duncan several years ago. And now, so am I (well close enough). I have become the very things I ran from. I am a miner's wife, just like my mom and her mom before her. I will be back in that little town, where everyone is in your business all of the time. Where church and Taco Night at Ol' Jo's Restaurant are the highlights of the week.

Something tells me though, that it's OK. That is where I am supposed to be now. I'm at peace with it. Barry is REALLY happy with this job. I knew he would be. Out of all the jobs he has held in his life, it was the blue collar ones that he remembered with fondness. And, I have learned one thing in life that is paramount to happiness in the workplace:

All of the money in the world can never make up for being miserable in your work.

I could go out right now and get a job making more money than I am now. But, I would be miserable. I would want to quit each and every day. My unhappiness would spill over into my home life. And it just isn't worth it. I like my piddly little recess aide job. It makes me happy. I love going to work each day. The same applies for Barry. He could go and find a white collar job here in the valley. He could make more money.....but he wouldn't be as happy as he is driving a big giant dump truck. Being happy in life is more important than money and the luxuries that come from money for Barry and I these days.

We are ready to live the life I swore I would never live. Who knew, it would be what we needed most?

And thanks to the internet, I won't feel as if I am stifled and lost in that backwater. I can do all of my shopping, visiting, scrapping, reading, blurfing and everything else that I do here in the city.

Maybe, the internet is the key. I couldn't have gone home before the internet became such a part of my life. Eh, who knows?

I was tagged by Janna and Becky.....I was going to take care of those tags on this post, until I realized that my ponderings had gone on for so long. Next post then.